BULLSHITMAN - THE EPISTEMIC SUPERHERO

RICKYRight, so his power - this is brilliant - his ONLY power, is he walks in a room, and he goes... "no."

STEVEThat's it? That's the superpower?

RICKY[cackling] That's it! Can't fly, can't do owt, he just KNOWS when someone's talking rubbish.

STEVESo he's a man who's slightly sceptical.

STEVE...and hang on. There's no - there's no flashy EFFECT? He doesn't come in through the wall? No sound, no light, no - nothing? He just says a word?

RICKYThat's the BEAUTY of it, Steve-

STEVEIt's not a beauty, it's a budget. Every superhero comes THROUGH something. A wall. A window. The roof. He arrives. There's a whoosh. There's glass.

KARL(flat) ...why would I come through a wall. There's a door. I'd use the door.

STEVE(already despairing) ...he'd use the door.

KARLWell you would, wouldn't yer. Come through the wall, now someone's got to FIX the wall, an' for what - so it looks good for two seconds. That's the whole problem in one, that. Everyone wreckin' the wall for the two seconds. The door were there the whole time. Nobody claps yer for the door, mind. But it's the door.

RICKY[starting to go]

STEVE(making a note, defeated already, this early) "...uses the door." I'm writing it down. Under protest. But I'm coming back to the effects. This isn't over.

KARL...it's a bit over.

RICKYHe's BULLSHITMAN, Steve. Karl. You're Bullshitman. Someone says: "We're leveraging our synergies to drive holistic stakeholder value." Go.

KARL(flat) ...They've not said anything, though, have they.

RICKY[loses it]

KARLFour big words for "we're doing stuff." What stuff? Dunno. It's the same word doin' the job of a smaller word an' hopin' you don't ask.

STEVEThat's - that's the container-word thing. That's a real mechanism-

KARLIt's like if I said I were "onboarding a hydration solution." I've had a drink o' water. Why's it got a costume on. Nobody were thirsty an' got saved by the word "solution."

RICKYGive him another. "This platform is infinitely scalable."

KARLNo it in't.

STEVEWell, in principle-

KARL"Infinitely." So you can never be wrong, can yer. Works? You were right. Breaks? Well it weren't infinite THAT day. That's not a claim, that's a get-out with a graph on. There's nowt to check. It's built so you CAN'T check it. That's the tell - a real claim WANTS checkin', it sticks its neck out. This one's tucked its neck in.

STEVE(slowly) ...it's built so you can't check it. Karl, that's - that's genuinely the definition. Warrant. You just did warrant.

KARLDid I. I were just sayin' it's daft.

RICKYNo but hang on, what IS this though - 'cause I did philosophy, right-

STEVEHere we go.

RICKY-an' this is a REAL thing, this is about the nature of BEING, whether the thing exists behind the sentence - he's an ONTOLOGICAL superhero. Ontological. That's the- (pause. Ricky's face changes.)

RICKY...no.

STEVEWhat?

RICKY...no, hang on. That's - I've just done it. I've just DONE the thing. "Ontological." That's me with a coat on. That's me showin' you me degree so nobody checks. What does it even - it means "to do with what exists," an' I could've just SAID that, an' I didn't, 'cause "ontological" sounds like I know summat.

KARL(not looking up) ...go on.

RICKY(getting into it, arguing with himself) An' it's not even RIGHT, is it, that's the worst part. It's not about whether the thing EXISTS - that's a different headache - it's about whether you could KNOW, whether it's been CHECKED, whether there's - oh. Oh, it's epistemic. It's not ontological at all. It's EPISTEMIC. It's about the KNOWING. I reached for the fancy one AND I got it wrong. That's-

KARLThat's bullshit, that.

RICKY(pointing at himself, delighted and appalled) That's bullshit! I just bullshitted! Me! About the anti-bullshit superhero! I did the exact - big word, said confident, in a room, wrong, an' if none of yer had a philosophy degree you'd have all just NODDED-

STEVEI'd have nodded.

KARLI wouldn't have. But I'd have made it awkward.

RICKY[cackling at himself] So it's - right, I'm sayin' it plain now, no coat: he's an EPISTEMIC superhero. 'Cause it's about whether you can KNOW the thing, an' whether anyone CHECKED. That's it. Epistemic. An' I called me own bullshit, which means - Steve, that means it WORKS, it works on the person USING it, that's-

KARL(finally looks up) ...that's the good bit, actually. That is. It's not a thing you point at OTHER people. First fella it catches is you. If it doesn't catch you first, it's not the real one - it's just you bein' clever at strangers.

STEVE(quiet) ...the instrument's first honest catch was the man holding it.

RICKYEPISTEMIC superhero. I'll not use "ontological" again. It can get its coat.

KARL...you had it on, though. For a bit. We all saw.

RICKY(recovering, still buzzing) -an' the empty ones, right, the "we take it seriously" ones, them's - that's a tautology, that's a-

KARL...is it though.

RICKY(stops) ...

KARLCareful. You've reached for another one. Is it actually a tautology, or does it just SOUND like the right word.

STEVE(leaning in, genuinely checking now) ...no. He's right to stop. It's not a tautology. A tautology's "it is what it is" - true 'cause of its SHAPE, and the opposite of it is nonsense. "It's raining or it isn't" - you can't argue, the other version's broken.

KARLBut "we take it seriously" - the OPPOSITE o' that makes perfect sense, dunnit. "We don't take it seriously." That's a real sentence. They just never SAY it. So it's not a tautology, 'cause a tautology, yer can't even say the opposite without it fallin' apart. This one, the opposite's fine - they've just picked the version that fits whatever they end up doin'.

STEVE(quiet) ...that's exactly the line. Tautology: the negation is a contradiction. This: the negation is a coherent sentence they decline to say. Different animal. It's not empty by LOGIC - it's empty because it doesn't rule anything out. It's vacuous. Zero information.

RICKY...so what do we CALL it, then, if it's not a tautology-

KARLSay what it IS. It's a sentence that'd be true whatever happened. That's not a tautology, that's just... it in't carryin' owt. It doesn't tell yer which way the world went. A tautology's empty 'cause of how it's BUILT. This is empty 'cause it's been ARRANGED to survive anything. Them's two different empties.

RICKY(slowly, appalled again) ...hang on though. In the actual method. Rule seven. What did we call rule seven.

STEVE(checks) ..."the all-worlds tautology."

RICKYWE called it a tautology. In the instrument. The anti-bullshit instrument has a bit o' bullshit IN it - we used the impressive word 'cause it sounded right an' we never checked it were the RIGHT right-

KARL(flat, satisfied) ...there y'go. It catches yer even when you're WRITIN' it. That's how you know it's the real one. Fix rule seven. It's not a tautology. It's - a sentence that says nowt about the world. Call it that. "Says nowt." That's a better name than "all-worlds tautology" an' it's shorter an' it's true.

STEVE(writing) Rule 7 - renamed. "The all-worlds vacuity." Zero information. Not a tautology.

KARL...aye, "vacuity" 's still a bit of a coat. But it's the RIGHT coat, so it can stop.

RICKY(sitting back, decided) Right. No more reachin'. Plain words. He's an EPISTEMIC superhero. Solid. That's the name. Epistemic - 'cause it's about whether you can KNOW the thing an' whether anyone checked. Done. EPISTEMIC SUPERHERO.

STEVE(beat) ...so, a bloke who's a bit suspicious.

RICKY[loses it] NO - we've been THROUGH this-

STEVENo but that's - strip all of it back, the warrant, the parser, the epistemics, all of it - and underneath, functionally, he is: a bloke. Who is a bit suspicious. About sentences.

KARL(nodding slowly) ...aye. That's the plain version. I'd have that one. "A bloke who's a bit suspicious about sentences." That's more honest than "epistemic superhero," in't it. Less coat.

STEVE...but "epistemic superhero" is what it IS, technically-

KARLAn' "a bloke who's a bit suspicious" is what it DOES. (taps the table) Things are what they do. So keep both. Big word on the tin, plain word in the middle. That way the tin's not lyin' an' the middle's not showin' off.

RICKY(wiping eyes) ...he just did the whole philosophy of the thing while sayin' he's not doin' philosophy-

KARLI'm not, though. I'm just sayin' what it is an' what it does an' not lettin' either one wear a coat it hasn't earned. If that's philosophy you've set the bar dead low.

RICKY(decided, raising his mug) Right. To BULLSHITMAN. The epistemic superhero.

STEVE(the one-liner, dry) ...or, in plain: a bloke who's a bit suspicious of sentences.

KARL(suddenly alert, half-hearing it) ...oi. Oi oi. What were that. What'd he just say there - no. No, that. BULLSHIT.

STEVEWhat? Karl-

KARLThere were a sentence just went past an' I heard the SHAPE of it. Bullshit. What were it.

RICKYNo - Karl - we AGREE with you. That WAS us agreeing. "A bloke who's a bit suspicious" - that's YOUR side. We're with yer.

KARL(narrowing his eyes) ...why though.

STEVEWhy what?

KARLWhy're yer agreein'. Nobody agrees. Somethin's off.

RICKY[losing it] NOTHING'S off! We think you're RIGHT!

KARL(deeply suspicious now) ...that's exactly what you'd say if summat were off, though, in't it.

STEVE(quietly, to Ricky) ...he can't take yes for an answer. The one thing that breaks him is a room agreein' with him.

KARLI don't trust a nod. Even a nod at ME. ESPECIALLY a nod at me. That's when yer want to worry MOST - everyone noddin' along - I've spent me whole life on the other end o' that, I know what a room noddin' looks like from outside an' it's never 'cause they've all checked-

RICKYSo the one bit o' bullshit Bullshitman can't detect... is people agreein' with him.

KARL(long pause) ...no. See. That sounds like a clever line, an' I don't trust THAT either.

STEVE[delighted] He just called bullshit on the moral of his own story.

KARL...did I. (shrugs) Well. If it were bullshit it deserved it. I don't do exceptions. Not even for me. That's the ONLY way it works - the second you let yer own stuff through, yer just a bloke with opinions in a cape.

RICKY(wiping his eyes) ...he's incorruptible AND he's annoyed about it-

KARLIt's not a gift. Nobody wants the fella who can't let the nice moment be nice. But someone's got to be sat there goin' "...aye, but did we CHECK." Might as well be me. I weren't usin' the evenin' for owt else.

RICKY[wheezing] "Revenue's up three hundred percent!"

KARLFrom what to what.

STEVE...he's got you there.

KARLThree quid. Went from a quid to three quid. That's not the business growin', that's the SCALES gettin' smaller. Same trick every time - change what you're weighin' it on an' the number does a little dance. (the glass)

RICKY"It's not a layoff, it's a strategic rightsizing to optimise our talent density."

KARL(long pause) ...Someone's lost their job, though.

STEVEYeah.

KARLThey've took a sad thing an' put it in a nice jumper. Still the sad thing. The jumper's the bullshit. (present-but-relabeled)

RICKY"We have a very flat organisational structure, we're all equals here."

KARLWho fires people, though.

RICKY(as the CEO) ...well, I suppose ultimately-

KARLRight. So it's flat except for the bit where one o' yer can end the others. That's not flat, that's a normal shape with a nice word on. If it were flat, the intern could sack YOU. Can he?

STEVEHe cannot.

KARLThen it's got a top, in't it. Everythin's got a top. Sayin' it's flat doesn't flatten it, it just means you don't want to talk about the top.

RICKY"We're a family here."

KARLYou don't get made redundant from yer family. Well. You do, but it's called somethin' worse an' there's no severance.

RICKYRight, wellness. "This water is structured to raise your vibration."

KARL...structured water. It's water. It hasn't got a skeleton.

STEVEThey mean the molecular arrangement-

KARLWater doesn't stay in an arrangement, does it, it's WATER, it sloshes. You can't tidy water. An' "vibration" - mine or the water's? 'Cause if I can't feel it an' you can't measure it an' it doesn't do owt, then "raised" it from what to what? It's the three-hundred-percent trick again but with a candle lit.

STEVE(quietly) he found the missing baseline in a spa.

RICKY"It's clinically proven to support wellness."

KARL"Support." Not "does." SUPPORTS. Like it stood near it. An' "wellness" isn't a thing you can be short of, is it - nobody's ever been to the doctor low on wellness. It's a word they made so the sentence couldn't be wrong. You can't fail a test that isn't a test.

RICKY"Detoxes your body of toxins."

KARLWhich toxins.

RICKYDoesn't say.

KARL'Course it doesn't. If it named one, you could measure it before an' after, an' then it'd have to WORK. So it keeps it vague. That's not caution, that's the whole plan. You've got a liver an' two kidneys already doin' it for nowt. This is a tea chargin' rent to stand next to yer liver an' take the credit.

STEVE"Boosts your immune system."

KARLBoosts it to what. If me immune system were "boosted" I'd have a fever, that's what a boosted immune system IS, it's yer body kickin' off. Nobody wants that. They've took a scary thing an' made it sound like a promotion.

RICKYPolitics. "Mistakes were made."

KARLBy who, though. That's the cleverest one, that. "Mistakes were made." Made by WHO. It's a sentence with the bloke cut out of it. Someone's done summat an' they've built the sentence specially so there's nobody stood in it. It's a confession with no one in the room.

STEVEThat's the passive voice doing agency-deletion-

KARLIt's hidin', is what it is. Big word for hidin'.

RICKY"We take these concerns very seriously."

KARLThat's what you say INSTEAD of doin' owt. If you were DOIN' summat you'd say the thing you were doin'. "We take it seriously" is the noise a place makes while it does nothing, so that later it can say it took it seriously. It's a bookmark for lawyers.

RICKY"We're reviewing our processes."

KARLEveryone's always reviewin' their processes. Nobody ever finishes reviewin' 'em. It's a room they can go in an' the door never opens again. "Under review" means "put down for now an' we're hopin' you forget."

STEVE(writing) ...the words that exist to run out the clock. That's a category.

KARLAye. Words that are secretly just "wait."

RICKY"Thoughts and prayers."

KARL...that's two things that cost nowt an' change nowt, offered instead of a thing that'd cost summat an' change summat. It's not help. It's the SHAPE of help, sent so no help has to come.

RICKY"It's not a bubble, it's a paradigm shift in value storage."

KARLEveryone whose thing is a bubble says it's not a bubble. That's what bein' in a bubble sounds like from inside. "Paradigm shift" is what you say when the number's gone up for no reason an' you need a reason.

STEVEBut sometimes it IS a genuine-

KARLCould be! But he's not TOLD me why. He's told me it's a paradigm shift, which is just "it's different this time" wearin' a tie. Every single time it were different, it were the same.

RICKY"We're going to disrupt the entire banking system."

KARLWith what. You've got an app an' a logo. The bank's got me money an' a building. When YOU'VE got me money, come back. "Disrupt" is a word for a thing you're GONNA do, an' "gonna" is where all the bullshit lives. Nobody bullshits about what they've DONE, 'cause you can go an' look. They bullshit about what they're GONNA do, 'cause you can't check next year yet.

STEVE(stunned) ...he just located bullshit in the future tense.

KARLWell that's where there's room for it, in't it. There's no room in the past, it's full up with what actually happened.

RICKY"This has massive upside and limited downside."

KARLEverythin' that's ever gone to nowt had "limited downside" written on it the week before. The downside's always "limited" right up until it's yer house.

RICKY"We problematise the hegemonic framing of the discourse."

KARL...say it again but for a person.

RICKY(delighted) Go on, translate it.

KARLFar as I can tell he's sayin' "some folk see it one way an' I don't like it." But he's used "problematise" so nobody can go "well that's obvious." You dress up "obvious" so it looks like "clever." Half o' them long words are just "obvious" with a bigger coat so you feel daft for not havin' one.

STEVEThat's - the coat is doing the work, not the idea-

KARLIf you can say it plain an' you don't, I want to know why you don't. Usually it's 'cause plain, everyone can see it's small. The coat's not to keep the idea warm. It's to hide how little there is.

RICKY"The results were not inconsistent with our hypothesis."

KARL...not inconsistent. So it didn't AGREE, it just didn't argue. That's a double-negative doin' a runner. If it'd worked he'd have said "it worked." "Not inconsistent" is the noise a thing makes when it didn't work but you've spent three years on it.

RICKY"You have to manifest the reality you want."

KARLSo if it works, you manifested. An' if it doesn't, you didn't manifest hard enough. So it can't lose, can it. That's the infinitely-scalable one again but for feelings. It's built so it's always YOUR fault an' never the idea's fault. That's how you know - a good idea's happy to be wrong. This one's arranged so it never can be.

STEVEUnfalsifiable, plus it offloads the failure onto the believer-

KARLIt's a machine for never bein' blamed. That's all it is. Lovely words round the outside, a little "it's your fault" engine in the middle.

RICKY"Everything happens for a reason."

KARLDoes it. Bloke gets hit by a bus, what's the reason. ...There's no reason, is there, it's a bus. Sayin' "everythin' happens for a reason" is a thing you say so the world feels tidier than it is. Which is fine, if you're sad. But it's not TRUE, it's a comfort blanket with a fact's face on.

RICKY"Live your best life."

KARLCompared to what. Me OTHER lives? I've only got the one. "Your best life" - you can't fail it 'cause there's nothing to check it against. It's a phrase that sounds like advice an' isn't. Advice tells yer what to DO. This just tells yer to be doin' it better, which yer knew.

RICKY"Our AI understands your customers on a deep level."

KARLDoes it "understand," though, or does it just... do the next likely word. 'Cause them's very different. One of 'em knows summat, the other's a very good guesser wearin' the word "understand." If it "understood" me customers you could ASK it what they want an' it'd be right. Ask it. Is it right?

STEVE...it's confidently plausible.

KARLThat's the worst kind, that. Confident an' plausible an' nobody's checked. That's not knowledge, that's a really smooth guess. Smooth's not the same as right. A liar's smooth.

RICKY"It's basically thinking."

KARL"Basically." There's that word. "Basically" means "if you don't look too hard." Everythin' that comes after "basically" is a thing that's NEARLY the case an' the bloke's roundin' up. "Basically thinking" is "not thinking, but I'd like the word."

STEVE"It's a stochastic parrot"-

KARLNow YOU'VE done it, you've used a clever word so nobody checks. Say it plain.

STEVE...it repeats patterns without knowing what they mean.

KARLThere y'go. That's a proper sentence. I can check that. I couldn't check "stochastic parrot," I'd have had to nod.

RICKYHe needs an origin! How'd he GET the power? Radioactive spider-

KARLI didn't get bit by owt.

RICKYThere has to be an accident! A lab! Lightning!

KARL...I just started noticin' that when people said the big sentences, nowt happened after. Like - they'd say the sentence, an' then the world would be exactly the same. An' I thought, well, if the sentence were doin' owt, summat'd be different. An' it never were. So I started sayin' "...no" an' waitin', an' the more I waited the more the sentence would sort of... come apart. 'Cause there were nowt holdin' it together except everyone agreein' to not look.

STEVE...that's genuinely a better origin than the spider.

KARLThere's no origin. I'm not from Krypton, I'm from Manchester. The power's just I won't nod. Everyone else nods 'cause it's easier. I'd rather have the awkward two seconds than let the sentence get away. That's it. That's the cape.

RICKYHe won't nod. THAT'S the superpower. He won't nod!

KARL...it's tiring, actually. It's not fun bein' the one who won't nod. Nobody thanks yer. You just get "well what would YOU do then," an' half the time I don't know what I'd DO, I just know THAT'S not it.

STEVEThat's - that's important though. He doesn't have to have the right answer. He only has to see that the wrong one's empty.

KARLAye. I can tell yer the door's a wall without knowin' where the real door is. Them's two different jobs. I only do the one.

RICKYHe needs villains! Who's he fight?

KARLI don't FIGHT anyone, it's words-

RICKYName the villains!

KARL(sighs) ...alright. There's THE RELABELLER. He doesn't lie, he just renames. Sacks become "rightsizing," problems become "challenges," a fall becomes "a correction." He never says owt untrue, he just keeps swappin' the jumper.

STEVEGo on.

KARLTHE GLASSMAN. Shows you a true number on the wrong scales. Three-hundred-percent from a quid. A "record" that's only a record 'cause he moved where the line is. Every number he gives yer is real an' every one's a lie, an' the lie's in the ruler, not the number.

RICKY[delighted] More!

KARLTHE FUTURIST. Only ever talks about what's GONNA happen, 'cause you can't check next year. "We're gonna disrupt, we're gonna scale, we're gonna change the world." Never "we did." He lives in the one tense where there's still room for bullshit.

KARLDR. SUPPORTS. Wellness fella. Everythin' "supports," nothin' "does." Everythin's "linked to," nothin' "causes." He stands next to real medicine an' does the accent.

KARLTHE COATMAN. Takes a small obvious idea an' puts a massive word on it so you feel thick for not havin' the word. "Problematise." "Paradigm." He's sellin' coats, not ideas. Take the coat off an' there's a kid's idea underneath, shiverin'.

KARLAn' the worst one. THE NODDER. Not a bullshitter himself. He's the one in the meeting who NODS. He's why all the others get away with it. Every empty sentence needs a room full o' Nodders or it'd fall over. I'm not really fightin' the bullshitters. I'm fightin' the nod.

STEVE(quiet) ...the enabler's the real villain. That's - that's actually the deep one.

KARLIt's easy to blame the fella talkin'. But he only keeps goin' 'cause forty people decided it's less awkward to nod. Bullshit's not one bloke. It's an agreement. I'm just the fella who won't sign it.

STEVEThis is the thing though, this is why it works. He's not cleverer than the room. He's got a parser. Bullshit's a language - a proper formal one, you can write the grammar down - and there's a hierarchy. Some of it's dead simple, some's hard.

KARLGo on then.

STEVEEasy stuff - "leverage synergies," "infinitely scalable" - that's regular. Reflex, no memory. You just SEE the shape. That's why you're instant.

KARLI don't think, no. Fair.

STEVEHarder ones - the three-hundred-percent, the ten-x - you have to hold two things and compare. Needs a stack. Memory.

KARLI keep the two numbers in me head an' go "hang on, them's not the same jar."

STEVEExactly. And the hardest - "present but not annotated," the layoff-in-a-jumper - depends on everything ROUND it. Read the whole room.

KARLSo sometimes you can't tell off the one sentence. You've to know what were goin' on.

STEVEYes. And here's the bit that matters - (leaning in) - you can always CATCH bullshit. Find the hole eventually. But you can never PROVE something's true. No machine reads a clean sentence and stamps it "true, guaranteed." Catching the lie's doable. Certifying the truth isn't. Not symmetric.

KARL(long pause) ...so I can tell yer when it's rubbish. But I can't ever tell yer it's DEFINITELY sound. Only that I looked an' didn't find owt.

STEVE(a bit stunned) ...that's the whole limit. In one sentence. That took Turing a paper.

KARLI didn't read that. I just know you can prove a boiler's broke easier than you can prove it'll never break. Provin' it's fine, you'd have to run it forever. Provin' it's broke, you just wait for the bang. That's not clever, that's a boiler.

RICKY[has given up entirely, wheezing]

RICKY(quiet for once, working it) ...no, hang on. Let me do it plain. 'Cause I think I've got it now. The whole thing.

RICKYRight. Most of what anyone says all day is FINE. That's the first bit. It's not that the world's full o' liars. It's that nobody checks. Everyone's busy, everyone nods, an' ninety-odd percent of it's fine, so the noddin' works out.

STEVEAnd the bullshit hides in the gap the nodding leaves.

RICKY...yeah. Thanks Steve. Yeah. Yeah so - it hides in the gap. It sneaks in dressed as the fine stuff, 'cause it KNOWS nobody's checkin'. That's the whole trick. It's not loud. It's camouflaged as ordinary.

RICKYAn' the thing is - it's not even LYIN'. That's what I kept gettin' wrong. A liar knows the truth, he's hidin' from it, he respects it enough to dodge it. Bullshit doesn't care where the truth IS. It's just built to get past yer. It's optimised for the nod, not for bein' right.

STEVEFrankfurt.

RICKY...yeah, thanks Steve, Frankfurt, yeah. Yeah so - an' 'cause it's only built to get PAST yer, there's just a few ways to do that. That's why there's only about ten. You make it so it can't be checked - "infinitely scalable." Or you make it fit whatever happens - "we take it seriously." Or you just rename the sad thing - "rightsizing." Three ways of bein' empty an' not one of 'em's a lie.

RICKYAn' it all lives in the FUTURE - Karl had this - 'cause the past is full up with what actually happened. You can't bullshit the past, you can go an' look. So it all crowds into "we're GONNA." That's where the room is.

STEVEAnd the real villain isn't the talker.

RICKY...yeah. Yeah so - it's the nod. It's US. The talker only gets away with it 'cause forty of us decided it's less awkward to nod than to go "hang on." Bullshit's not a person. It's an agreement. An' Karl's the one bloke who won't sign it.

RICKY(to Karl, building) An' here's the bit - you can never PROVE the fine stuff's fine. You can only fail to find owt wrong. It's not symmetric. Catchin' bullshit's doable - you wait for the hole. Certifyin' truth in't - you'd have to check forever. So the whole job is just suspicion, done properly. Two awkward seconds. What would I check. Did anyone.

STEVEAnd it has to catch you first.

RICKY...yeah. Yeah, thanks Steve. Yeah - it caught ME. Twice. "Ontological." "Tautology." If it doesn't turn round on the fella HOLDIN' it, it's not the real one - it's just a stick for hittin' strangers with. It has to hurt a bit. It has to get YOU before it gets anyone else.

RICKY(sitting back, done) ...that's it. That's the whole thing. It's not clever. It's: don't nod, ask what you'd check, start with yerself. An' a bloke in Manchester's been doin' it his whole life 'cause he couldn't stand watchin' sentences get away with it.

KARL(nods slowly) ...that's more or less it, aye.

RICKYI FIGURED OUT BULLSHITMAN-

KARL...you've took twenty minutes an' about four hundred words to say "don't nod an' start with yerself," but aye. You got there.

STEVE(gently) ...that took you a lot of words, Rick, for a thing about using fewer words.

RICKY(beat) ...oh, that's - yeah. Yeah. That's bullshit, that, what I just did, in't it. I bullshitted the SUMMARY.

KARL(the flat hand, almost fond) ...gettin' quicker at catchin' yerself, though. That's the whole trick. That's it. You've got it now.

STEVESo his power isn't scepticism. Scepticism says "no" to everything - useless, just a mood. His power is he says "no" to the EMPTY ones and "...fair enough" to the real ones. He can tell a wall from a door.

KARLI don't say no to everything. If someone's DONE the thing an' can show us - here's the thing, here's where I checked it - grand. "We shipped the button, here's the button, press it." That's not bullshit, that's a button. I like a button.

RICKYGive us one you'd let through.

KARL"Gold went up 'cause the dollar were weak an' there's loads o' debt about." ...Aye, alright. Boring. Probably right. Nobody's changed what "gold" means halfway through. Move on. See - I WANT to let things through. It's less tiring. I just can't let the empty ones through, they get everywhere.

STEVEThat's a control. He passed a control. He's a recogniser, not a knee-jerk-

KARL...it's a bloke goin' "no" when it needs it an' "fine" when it doesn't. You've dressed IT up again. "Recogniser." Look at yer. That's a coat, that is. You've gone full Coatman.

STEVE(quiet) ...he called bullshit on my sentence.

KARLWell someone had to. You were startin' to point at nowt.

RICKYTHAT'S the show. That's the whole show.

STEVEIt's not a show, it's a diagnostic-

KARL(not even looking up) ...no.

KARL(putting his phone away, finally) ...the thing is. Right. An' this is the actual thing, under all the daft. Most o' what gets said in a day is fine. It's just... nobody checks, an' the odd sentence takes advantage. It sneaks in dressed as the others. All I do is I make it take its coat off in the doorway. That's not a superpower. Everyone could do it. They just won't have the two awkward seconds.

STEVE...and that's the whole method.

KARLThat's the whole method. Have the two awkward seconds. Ask what you'd check. See if anyone did. If not - (the flat hand) - no.

STEVE(after a long pause, quietly, the last stand) ...alright. Alright. I accept all of it. The epistemics. The warrant. The no-bang. It's correct, you've won, every bit. But - one thing. One. He needs SOMETHING. A sound. A little light. A logo, even. You cannot have a superhero with NO cue - there has to be ONE thing, Karl, one, so a person in the room knows it's HAPPENING-

KARL...no.

STEVEA NOISE. A tiny noise. A little "bwomp" when you call it. That's all. That's not bullshit, that's - that's just theatre, everyone deserves a bit of-

KARLIf it needs a noise so you know it's happenin', then it in't happenin' on its own, is it. Truth doesn't need a bwomp. Yer only want the bwomp so it FEELS like summat. It already IS summat. That's the difference. The bwomp's for the ones that AREN'T.

STEVE(genuinely breaking now) ...a HAT. A small hat. A funny little-

KARL(and for the first time all night, he stands. puts his phone in his pocket. and does not put on a hat.) ...no.

STEVE(defeated, to no one) ...the absence of the hat is the hat.

KARL...now THAT'S bullshit. But I'll allow it, 'cause you look sad.

RICKY...hang on. Hang on. You just said you'd ALLOW it. Bullshitman lets bullshit through if someone's SAD? That's a loophole. That's a hole in the-

STEVENo, that's actually the most important thing he's said all night. Say it again, Karl. Why'd you allow it.

KARL...'cause nobody were gettin' HURT by it, were they. Steve doin' his "absence of the hat" thing - he weren't tryin' to get past me. He weren't sellin' me owt. He were just... sad about a hat, an' bein' a bit clever to feel better. That's not the same animal.

RICKYSo it's NOT all bullshit.

KARL'Course it's not. Someone says "you look nice" - that's not a fact, is it. You don't go "prove it." It's a present. You don't CHECK a present. If yer stood at a door goin' "warrant? where's the warrant?" every time someone were kind to yer, you're not a superhero, you're just the worst man at the party.

STEVE(writing fast) ...so there's a whole class it doesn't fire on. Kind stuff. Social stuff.

KARLIt in't about the WORDS. That's what everyone gets wrong about me. "You look nice" an' "this pension's dead safe" - them could be equally not-true, right, equally no-warrant. But one's a present an' one's a trap. The difference in't in the sentence. It's whether someone's about to LOSE summat 'cause they believed it.

RICKYSo what's the actual line-

KARL(working it) ...it's only the one I call if - right - if someone's meant to BELIEVE it, AND DO summat, AND they'd be worse off when it turns out empty. That's the trap. "This pension's safe" - yer meant to believe it, hand over yer money, an' yer skint when it in't. That one I call, every time, I don't care whose funeral it is.

STEVEAnd "you look nice"-

KARL-nobody hands over owt. Nobody's worse off. Everyone in the room KNOWS it's not a lab result. It's not dressed as a fact, it's dressed as a nice thing, an' everyone can see the dress. That's not bullshit gettin' past yer. That's just... people bein' soft with each other. I'm not the police of that. God, imagine.

RICKYSo there's two kinds. There's the fraud kind-

KARL-the kind that's wearin' a fact's coat to GET summat off yer. Aye. That's the one.

RICKY-and the kind everyone's agreed is just... nice noises.

KARLAn' the tell is CONSENT, in't it. With the nice noises, everyone's IN on it. Nobody's fooled. You know "they're in a better place" in't a checkable fact, an' the person sayin' it knows you know, an' you're both just... holdin' the moment up so it doesn't fall on the floor. Nobody's been got past. Everyone consented to the soft bit.

STEVE(quietly, genuinely moved) ...so the instrument has an off-switch. It only fires where there's STAKES and no CONSENT. Someone about to lose something, who doesn't know the sentence is empty.

KARLThat's it. That's the whole of it. I don't ruin funerals. Somebody says "he's at peace now," I'm not stood there goin' "define peace, where's yer evidence." That'd make me the bad one, wouldn't it. There's no warrant for it an' it doesn't NEED one, 'cause nobody's about to buy a bad pension off the back of it. It's a hand on a shoulder with words on.

RICKY(slowly) ...so Bullshitman's not against untruth. He's against untruth that's HUNTING.

KARL(nods) ...aye. That's better than owt I said. Untruth that's huntin'. The stuff that's dressed up specially so it can take summat off someone who trusted it. THAT I'll call till I'm hoarse. The soft stuff, the kind stuff, the "you'll be alright, love" - leave it. That's the glue. You take the glue away 'cause it's "technically unwarranted," you've not made the world truer, you've just made it colder, an' it's still full o' the real bullshit, you've just got no friends now.

STEVE(the summary, and he's earned it) ...so the rule isn't "call all bullshit." It's "call the bullshit that's about to cost somebody something they didn't agree to lose."

KARL(the flat hand, but gentle this time) ...aye. Now THAT you can put on the poster.

RICKY[gasps] HE AUTHORISED A POSTER-

KARL...ONE poster. Small one. An' only that sentence. Everythin' else, no.

STEVE(already sketching) Does the poster get a-

KARL-no it does not get a bwomp, Steve, sit down.